he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
