So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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