remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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