Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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