yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
