You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Randomize
