he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
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