i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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