I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
