I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
