Cold hands, warm shart.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
