Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
