Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
