some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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