The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
