oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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