One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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