if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
