my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
