the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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