plz talk dirty to me
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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