i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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