She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
