Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
