Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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