I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize