Just cropdusted the office
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
