I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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