I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
