dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
