i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
