just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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