can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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