Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
