I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
