the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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