Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
from now on my penis is your penis
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize