Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
