This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Let's get the cat blown out
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
