oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
