We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
