Pants 0. Shit 1.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
