Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
