i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
