Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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