dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
