The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
