new low.... made out with someone while peeing
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
