Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
