She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
