Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Say something about gay babies.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
