My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
