I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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