I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
