I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
