Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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