Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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