On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
