From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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