No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
