I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so explain again why im purple
no
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
