He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Who put my cat in the fridge?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize